I fucked up

how do you say
"Sorry that I literally raped you while I was black out drunk"?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

conciously
unconcious

I regret not applying to any out of state schools
because the realization that you're excited for everyone to leave is fucked up
I could have just left myself

when you stop breathing
because something that makes you nervous or excited
and your heart stops beating
and your lungs aren't inflating
then you get over the wave because of disappointment
and your heart starts beating again
and your lung inflate again
it feels like you just had a heart attack
and nothing can make you feel like you had 15 seconds before
and no amount of nicotine can fill the void in your chest
that is the worst feeling in the world

ICU

my life has themes, or cycles
the current theme is unsatisfactory and for me and is socially unacceptable
I have a reputation to uphold.
I feel terrible and I can't sleep.

note to self:

encouragement is unnecessary and innaporpriate
it's not the same anymore